Today is my Dad's bday. I worked a full day and then went to Walgreens on my way home to get him a card and see if I could find a gift. As I stood there in the card aisle, reading through the cards, I was reminded of how empty I always feel every year that his birthday comes around... trying to find him a card that wouldn't read a bunch of sweet lies. "You've always been there for me... I remember when I used to sit on your lap... I love being your little girl..." all of which brought me to tears in the card aisle of Walgreens, simply because I wish I had with my dad what all of these cards described. So I finally settled for one that talks about how he has built a strong foundation and I've always felt secure. That's not a lie, he's always been there to put food on the table and keep a roof over my head. I just pray someday that there will be more. With every day that passes I have been becoming more and more independent, everything... even as much as my perspective on life... has been changing, slowly but surely, to conform me back into the person I used to be when my life was full of innocence and faith. With age, I think the innocence in everyone's life slips away, it's not something you can contain, no matter how hard you try, unless you live a sheltered life separated from the real world. I've tried to get some of it back but I've seemed to hold on too lightly and carelessly and have completely lost my grip on any that was remaining. I feel so far from where I've been and though it's been a great growing and learning experience for me... I wish for nothing more than to have those days back again, when I trusted in the only thing in my life that I knew was real. I've fallen so far from that, from the girl I used to be and I despise the choices I've made in the past year. At the same time, part of me accepts them, and lovingly accepts them, because I know that without those choices mistakes, my view might not have been cleared and the hole that I was digging for myself might have eaten me alive by now. My hope for finding a boy sometime in the near future has disappeared. Here I am, 19 years old and still waiting for that "special guy", and these days I'm not too sure if he is even out there. This is where my lack of faith ties in, and as much as I say that all hope is gone, somewhere deep inside of me I'm still praying one day our paths will cross. Until then, I have definitely accepted myself as being single and kinda even enjoying it and the time I've had to focus on myself. Every day in this house is different, some days the sea is calm and others it's like re-living World War I and the constant change between the two has left me confused about near future plans. Some days I want out of here so badly and can't wait until this summer when our moving out plans are scheduled for... and other days I think maybe I should stay here, hoping things will get better and actually believing that they are getting better until someone drops a bomb and the war starts up again. This is my last week of English Lit and I am dying for it to be over, I haven't done the best job at keeping up with school work, with everything else going on, though it should be on the top of my priority list. Some days I just don't care. My God father is officially moved in with my Mom and she called me the other day to tell me and I guess get my reaction, in which I didn't have much of one... I don't know how to feel about it, but I do know that I can't accept it as hard as I try. I'm trying so hard to be happy for her and at the same time I hate her decisions. I just don't understand why she does the things she does and what she's thinking when she does them. Yet after everything she is still convinced that my brother and I are okay with her life now, which I think she is just lying to herself so she will be able to sleep at night. With all of that said, I am going to end my procrastination now and finish this paper that's due tomorrow. <3

I just wanna be like Joey and Dawson, I wanna fall in love with the boy next door... my best  friend... who thinks the world of me, and I want him to leave me a ladder that leads to his window. And he always leaves his window open just hoping I'll show up. And I do, at the perfect times. And I wanna sleep over his house, and sleep in his bed with him. That's all.

D013: he told me he really likes you still

lsalfkjsajcnasmcnxvdsaf.

So I'm doing okay with the whole thing, I just had an emotional night last night... I wrote him an email to get stuff off of my chest since he hasn't bothered to call me. Of course on my way home tonight, I swear they played every song that we jammed out to together in my car the other day. But that's always how it works. Just one more thing to crush me a little more before I get over it. So today was good, I went to Alli's for a few hours and we watched "Grind", mainly for the hot skater boys. Mwahaha. I stopped by Ginger's on my way home, got to see her and Holly for a while, Ginger and Brad got an apartment and are moving in next week. Which brings me to my next subject... I can't wait for Mel and I to get ours. We need to start looking for a third person, maybe even fourth person... any takers? We're planning on moving by April, the latest. It's gonna be great. I need to start looking for a second job. I don't know how long Christina needs me for Alyson, but as long as it's steady then I just need another part time job and I should be set. Tonight we went to TB, it was fun. A lot of people showed up. It was (here comes the list) Me, Mel, Jackie, Alli, Taylor, James, Casey, JM, Chelsea, Amanda, Wayne and his two friends, CP, Brad, Castro and Stephen. I got in my car to leave and it wouldn't start, so the boys fixed it for me. But yeah, I'm glad we're gonna meet once a week, and I'm glad it's on a Wednesday. It's great seeing all the people I <3 in the middle of the week. I need it. Hm, what else? Tomorrow Alf and I are gonna go pooling for a while and then I definitely need to get caught up on homework. I think my dad, brother, Heather, Evelyn and I are gonna go out for dinner Friday night. Then Saturday is my bday, (what!), should be fun. I freaking wish Alli didn't have to work. Saturday night- show and then sleepover (we're spooning) and then Sunday night is dinner with everyone. Funnnn stuff. I'm excited but it's just a bday, no big deal. I am sooo tired. Tomorrow after homework and everything, Mel and I are gonna go visit Yohe. I haven't seen him since my last day of senior year... which was 1.5 years ago. (Who says 1.5? I'm so gay.) And then I think we might go to the mall. But yeah, I'm going to bed. Goodniiiight!

♥

On normal days I have writer's block and I can sit down with a pen in hand but draw a blank and can't seem to get what I want down on paper. Today was different, I don't know why, but I filled a few pages and my mind is still running. I was supposed to go to the pool with Alli and Taylor today at 11 but my phone rang at 8 and it was Donna and she needed me to come watch Emma. I was so tired, Alli and I had an adventure last nght and didn't get home til 2:30ish. McFlurries, what! hahaha. Anyway. So I got home from work today at like 2ish and then layed out in my backyard and all of a sudden a frog jumped on me! It was like one of those tree frogs, he was little and cute, but I was all oily and he stuck to me. Yeah, I freaked out. Atleast it was only a frog though. So listen to this coolness: a friend of mine that I went to school w/in PA... her Dad is obsessed w/Disney and I remember their crazy house loaded with Disney stuff. One time he got interviewed on tv for his obsession but today I was watching VH1 and it was this "Obsession Countdown" and he was on there! Holy cow. It was insane. He has over 1,000 Disney tattoos, a normal house AND a 2 million dollar Disney house. He's on his sixth marriage because his Disney obsession is his first priority. All I have to say, is poor Amanda. haha. I talked to Josh today and he said that he hasn't talked to Bobby either but he's gonna see him tonight. I told him not to tell Bobby to call me... if he wanted to call me he would've already unless he has an excuse... I told Josh to just tell him that I said hi. So I'm babysitting again, I got here at 4:30 and she said she'd only be gone an hour but I don't believe her, she's never been back when she said she's going to be once in the last 4 years. It's okay though, I sooo need this money. She said she'd pay me double for making me come back again. Whoop! So yeah, Andrea was telling me about this beach in Jupiter, I think it's called Du Bois (I could be wrong) and that's where we decided to go have a BBQ on Saturday for my bday. It's gonna be fun. My dad already told me he got me a digital camera, so much for surprises but now I can be cool like the rest of you kids and not have to bug Taylor to post pics for me. And with all of that said, I gotta go check on these kids and make sure they're doing their hw. Speaking of hw... I have soo much to do. I can't wait for this class to be over with.

I wanna bottle whatever it was we had that night

I'll store it somewhere for the next time I need to feel like I'm worth something

<3

I met a boy.

I know, weird for me, it never happens and when it does it's impossible to hold on to. I had the best weekend with him... he makes me happy and I like him and he's not just some random guy I met at a party. We make each other laugh and he likes my laugh and he is really cute. He's taller than me and I fit in his arms and he makes me feel safe. He listens to what I say... he wants to know more and he looks at me like I'm the only girl he sees. I feel happy when I'm with him. You wanna know the best part? He lives five hours away.

He says he's coming down for my birthday on Saturday and to go to the Glasseater show. I'm not counting on it (yeah, I am, but I'm trying hard not to) so if/when he doesn't show up on Satuday I'm not crying on my birthday. This week is going to be the longest week of my life.

I can't even tell you how much this sucks right now.

I meet someone that I can see myself falling for and it's at this unexpected time when I'm actually happy with being single and I have an amazing weekend with him and then all of it gets ripped away. I have faith though. (I'm trying to.)

we can wait for the wind to blow
or give me a look so cold
it gives me chills
and ends the summer war

my eyes roll
around and over it again
falling down
dizzy with sun stroke

i'll be there

and i'll try to identify
try to look through the gray skies
in your eyes

and pick up everything you left behind

cross your fingers
and pray for winter

i'll be there

painting the town your favorite color

guess i'll call or see you around...yeah
guess i'll call or see you around
i'll call or see you around...

painting the town your favorite color

I absolutely love the fact that I'm probably the biggest procrastinator that I know. I waited until last minute to do my 500 word essay and since there was a lack of preparation or an outline, I ended up with an 800 word essay. My professor is going to love me. I got to hang out with Mel and Doug and Jackie tonight, man do I love them. Like, seriously, I could be in the worst mood ever and they would have no problems cheering me up. I could honestly live my life happily knowing that I am to my friends what they are to me. I absolutely love driving with the windows down at night time with an empty tank listening to a good song. And instead of complaining about my empty tank tonight I was just thankful that I have a car. I dunno what's gotten into me, it's like I have a whole new positive perspective, I guess because this week things are going okay in my life... and people around me that I care about are hurting and I guess through all of this I've just learned to be thankful for what I do have. I dunno... I just always tell myself that things could be so much worse. I kinda have been feeling like people take me for things that I'm not, it seems like I'm constantly giving of myself and it's never good enough... like I make one mistake and I could never again be good enough. Well, I know that's not the case for the people that really care about me, I just think I worry too much, I'm the type of person that hates when someone doesn't like me. That's just another thing I need to accept though because no matter how hard I try I'll never be able to make everyone happy. I think sometimes I try too hard... because I'm so worried about what others think and how they feel and I need to stop being like that. I just need to worry about myself and if other people don't like me for who I am then that's their problem, I know who my true friends are. I don't know where all of this is coming from, it just seems like every time I turn around someone is fighting with someone else, there is some kind of drama... people are hurting and I always feel like I need to do everything in my power to make things better for them when really it's not even in my hands. That's one thing that I tend to forget too much, that things ultimately aren't in my hands and I need to stop thinking that I can fix things on my own. But anyway, tomorrow UCT is playing at Wellington High and I'm almost positive that I'm going... but that's about all that's going on tomorrow... I have homework and other stuff to do and hopefully I'll get to see Alli for a little while because I haven't seen her much lately. Yeah, so Glasseater is playing on my birthday and I guess we're all going to that show and I'll just have a party or whatever another night. I should probably figure it out soon though. Doug took pics of us tonight with his phone and I was so excited that I'd have some to post on here for those of you who haven't seen my lip and want to, but of course it was too dark or something and you can't even tell that I have it pierced. Better luck next time.

<3

This weekend was much needed. Friday I worked and then picked Pelle up from the airport, Mel came with me. It was soo good to see him, even though I just saw him like a month ago. We came home and stayed up talking til 3am... Saturday we ran errands all day for the party, which was fun, and then we hung out at Wayne's for a while, I'm glad I got to see everyone. Yesterday we hung out and then went to TBS last night. Without a doubt it was the best concert I've ever been to. AMAZING. Today we slept in a little and then Taylor and I took him to his aunt's house so he could see her and his little cousin and then we went to the airport. It was tough, I hate goodbyes, but it's always tough saying goodbye to him. I'm proud of myself, I kept myself together, didn't cry... I tried to be strong because I know that he would've broken down too if I wasn't. He pulled me aside before he got on the plane and told me that he loves me. It sucks. You know, there are so many people that have problems with their relationships but I just want to say that I hope from everything they learn to not take them for granted because when you're over 1200 miles away from the person you love you learn to appreciate the smallest things. I know that God has a plan though so I'm just trusting in that. I work tomorrow for a few hours, which is much needed, but then I have off the rest of the week because she's going out of town. It's nice but I really could use the money. I have a paper due tomorrow in English Lit that I haven't started, seeing as this weekend was crazy, I'll do it tomorrow at work. I'm so drained from this weekend, a lot has gone on. I'm tired. I slept for a while today after I got back from the airport. I thought I'd feel better and stay up for a while so I could get some homework done but I just feel like crawling back in bed. I just want to say, to my friends, and you guys know who this is directed towards, I love you guys all. Seriously. I wish I could give each of you the world. You all deserve it. Wednesday night, UCT is playing at Wellington High and I think I might go if I can afford it. My birthday is in 12 days and I have no effing idea what I'm going to do, I know I want to spend it with 'the crew' + / - some people... if anyone has ideas, comment! Welllll, I'm gonna go. When I started writing this, I had intentions of saying so much more. I dunno what happened.

<3

Ohhh emmm geee

Pelle is here!!

And tonight is the party!!

And I still have no costume!!

And tomorrow is Taking Back Sunday!!

Can I get a WHOOP! WHOOP! ??

lol
I'm so gay.

I find myself again, sitting here with so much to say but no way to put it into perfect words. But I guess when it comes down to it, few things we say ever come out perfectly so here are my thoughts, confusing, I know, but true. Nothing specifically has happened to make me think such things but I guess it's just a bunch of confusion, built up inside of me that leaves me sitting here with so much on my mind. I should be sleeping because I have to get up in 6 hours for work but I think it would be a waste if I went to bed without getting all of this out first. Also, I think I will sleep better. I'm almost positive that I will. In a perfect world, or a more self-controlled world I should say, we would be able to pick and choose who we are attracted to, who we're drawn to, and who we have feelings for. We'd be able to control those feelings and how deep they become, and we'd also be able to control the feelings of others. In simpler terms, we'd have control over who we cared about and who cared about us. We'd be able to erase feelings, move on easily and let go instantly... but along with all of these controlled emotions, I guess finding love wouldn't mean what it does to us living in our... non-perfect world. Instead of all the excitement and overwhelming feelings that come along with finding out the person you like feels the same, we'd just skip all of that and jump into things head first. Love would be chosen and not developed... it wouldn't be a blessing but a choice. It wouldn't be as beautiful, if at all beautiful. It'd be expected. I guess moreso than wanting to control the feelings of others (or atleast those I care about), I'd want to be able to control my own. I always fall for the wrong people... or maybe it's the right person in the wrong situation or at the wrong time. It just doesn't make sense to me... which if it did, life wouldn't be complicated. And if life wasn't complicated, I wouldn't be strong. No one would. I guess where I'm going with all of this... I have feelings that I don't want and at the same time want really badly. Figures. And what gets me even more is that there's not a damn thing I can do about them or the situation. So... in saying all of that, I'll also add that I'm happy with the way things in my life are right now... for the most part. I can't recall a time that I've ever been 100% completely (and honestly) happy but if I could change things there wouldn't be that much I would change... I mean, I would change some things of the past which in turn would also make my life now different. Changing the past would also change who I am, which I'm not extremely happy with but I'm a work in progress, I have to keep reminding myself of that. I hate PMS and all the effects because I found myself breaking down more than once today over things that wouldn't make me cry on a normal day... things intensified so much today, it was overwhelming but I have the greatest friends in the world that keep me grounded and I couldn't be more thankful. Wow, I feel about 394586 times better so I'm gonna go to bed now. 'Night.

i tried so hard to stand here
and not turn around and run
i need to let you go
i need to watch you walk away
i swear i can hear my heart breaking
as i slowly fall apart
i'm trying so hard to be strong
there's just so much more that i needed to say

work tomorrow from 8:30-1:30, hopefully i'll get some hw done. then mall w/alli and melissa. yay! um, hi, 4 days until the h-party and i am still costume-less. not cool. i have cramps from hell. and on top of that i think i'm getting sick. it sucks. oh, and my lip hurts. i am such a complainer. today was a bum day, all i did was clean and do laundry. pelle gets here friday night. what else? um... um... i dunno. i'm boring. kbye.

oh. p.s. this weekend OWNS me.